Experimental Solitude

I need time alone. I need time away. I need to think. I don't want to. I I I I.

I'm committing to some time alone with Jesus everyday.

Here, so I might actually do it.

Rebirth

I can't keep running.

That is all I know.

One More Time With Feeling

The new Regina Spektor and Tegan & Sara albums are my life. Just FYI. I've been having 'round the clock tummy aches and headaches and an endless need for sleep recently. My body's getting crazy as my mind's getting better. I hope its getting better. AAAH. I saw the Decemberists last night. So very very good. So very very true. I don't like when people lie to me. That's why this is the last chance. For a lot of things. Or maybe its just a re-birthing. I don't know. I'm pretty freaking happy tonight. That's all.

give it up

how true to the subject must i be?

can i make my photographs lie?

does that hurt anyone, artistically speaking?

does it hurt me?

does it make me a bad artist?

does photoshopping make me a liar?

does purposeful underexposure make me a traitor?

this is why i cant just shoot my life away.

Lamentations

I am not college. Are you?

i had a revelation while walking to my car in the misty darkness after afterdark and a stop at the library. i am not cut out for college. literally. i won't ever fit in the college mold. i want to like it, i want to love it. but if i want to do it i'll be miserable. its just like highschool. a lot of okay days, and some bad ones where the world is turned inside out because i don't know what life is all about. i feel like i worship the school gods. if i don't pay them homage i get bad grades. the only way to put them in their place is to purposely fail. but, i digress. i want the world, and all i have right now is a teeny corner of la mirada that i don't particularly enjoy. i want wrap around porches and people who don't look like me or speak like me and i want colours i haven't seen before and to have spiritual experiences in odd places. i want to find myself, not in an air conditioned building in la mirada, but somewhere that already knows me. i feel like i don't belong here, like its not fair, and then i feel spoiled. but i have to be true to who and what i am, right?

Wholly, Holy

What is all this? I got a flat tire today.

I can't be honest. Its a problem. Not honest in the i-stole-a-pair-of-shoes kind of way, but honest in the this-is-what-i-am kind of way. I can't be whole until I find that place of honesty and use it. Like a plot of land, I need to garden. I am a garden, I am a desert. I can't be fulfilled until I draw from what I really am. But somehow, I'm supposed to be changing and growing right now, but I feel like I'm dying and slowly losing all hope. All while learning to be honest. Someone needs to teach me how... or I'm not going to grow up to be a very nice person. Or maybe I already am grown and I am not an honest person and I will be faking my way through life forever. A happy thought. Tell this lying girl the truth.

emphasis

Not sure what to think, i am wishing i could be everything all at once. self-analysis is not good for me. i wish i wish i wish. i want to be an artist i want to change the world i want to master form. there are no comma's for a reason, there is no definition because i cannot find it. it does not come to me. the definition gets lost in the raging crazed rambling quiet thoughts in my mind. it is too good for me. i am too good for you. there is no space for finding. there is no place for losing. space and place, space and place. wishing isnt hoping, its dreaming.

Common

I should be working hard right now.

Instead I'm thinking ambiguous thoughts and watching the sunlight and finding prayers.

And Sandra Cisneros books.

Things are starting to break:

things like my mind, things like my computer.

Maybe they're the same thing.

Libraries feel like home to me. And since I'm trying to practice the habits of a good writer,

Libraries feel like home to me. The slow, quite movement of minds thinking, people finding things they seek: books. Feels like my home on a fall evening. Maybe because two of the rooms in my house are part library. The books are piled up, up. This way, that way, all leaning against each other, some hiding behind others, some well-loved, beat up, and broken-spined. Others, not so fortunate, are still hard blocks of paper. I like the soft books.

break it up

i find you stunning, but you are running me down.

i can never write the perfect reflection on my feelings in the midst of feeling them, but three days later, i begin to be able to convey things clearly without noticing.

i've been going through a tegan & sara phase, lately.

probably because i'm nineteen and feel emancipated from the highschool music scene.

maybe i'm just shallow.

speaking of, our torrey group was told we're shallow today.

thankyousir.

yet i was inspired.

25 seconds of call it off left... time for math.

Creativity

Love,

Take take risks.

Live wholly.

Living Alone

I am SO bored with life.

I don't like the way things have turned out.

I can't make myself feel.

I can't make myself happy.

Is this the end of an era or the beginning of something new?

Or both?

birthdays.

I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you  

And now we're saying bye 

Bye 

Bye 

And now we're saying bye 

Bye 

Bye 

I was nineteen

Call me  

I felt you in my life before I ever thought to

I was yours, right?

I was yours

,right?