i had a revelation while walking to my car in the misty darkness after afterdark and a stop at the library. i am not cut out for college. literally. i won't ever fit in the college mold. i want to like it, i want to love it. but if i want to do it i'll be miserable. its just like highschool. a lot of okay days, and some bad ones where the world is turned inside out because i don't know what life is all about. i feel like i worship the school gods. if i don't pay them homage i get bad grades. the only way to put them in their place is to purposely fail. but, i digress. i want the world, and all i have right now is a teeny corner of la mirada that i don't particularly enjoy. i want wrap around porches and people who don't look like me or speak like me and i want colours i haven't seen before and to have spiritual experiences in odd places. i want to find myself, not in an air conditioned building in la mirada, but somewhere that already knows me. i feel like i don't belong here, like its not fair, and then i feel spoiled. but i have to be true to who and what i am, right?
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6 weeks in december/january. we can go find the colors and porches and new things. you just have to stick it out til then.
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