Breathing's just a rhythm

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Too many creepers over there. So I'm back.

Hello!

Guess I'm back here for now, since tumblr's busted at Biola. Oh, well.

3rd today

It seems that all my bridges have been burned
But you say 'That's exactly how this grace thing works’
It's not the long walk home that will change this heart
But the welcome I receive with every start

Yet Another

dream of mine.

I want to compile a book of poetry. and have it published. beautiful poetry.

I Feel It All

Today was an amazing day.
Life has changed.
Amen.

Billy Collins

Bitter

Lemon skin reminds me of my Grandpa's face.

A Pair of Poems

A Negro Speaks of Rivers 

I've known rivers:

I've known rivers ancient as the world and older than the

     flow of human blood in human veins.

My soul has grown deep like the rivers.

I bathed in the Euphrates when dawns were young.

I built my hut near the Congo and it lulled me to sleep.

I looked upon the Nile and raised the pyramids above it.

I heard the singing of the Mississippi when Abe Lincoln 

     went down to New Orleans, and I've seen its muddy 

     bosom turn all golden in the sunset.

I've known rivers:

Ancient, dusky rivers.

My soul has grown deep like the rivers.

-Hughes

Lucinda Matlock

BY EDGAR LEE MASTERS

I went to the dances at Chandlerville,

And played snap-out at Winchester.

One time we changed partners,

Driving home in the moonlight of middle June,

And then I found Davis.

We were married and lived together for seventy years,

Enjoying, working, raising the twelve children,

Eight of whom we lost

Ere I had reached the age of sixty.

I spun, I wove, I kept the house, I nursed the sick,

I made the garden, and for holiday

Rambled over the fields where sang the larks,

And by Spoon River gathering many a shell,

And many a flower and medicinal weed —

Shouting to the wooded hills, singing to the green valleys.

At ninety-six I had lived enough, that is all,

And passed to a sweet repose.

What is this I hear of sorrow and weariness,

Anger, discontent and drooping hopes?

Degenerate sons and daughters,

Life is too strong for you —

It takes life to love Life.

i'm a minimalist.






amen.

Thirsty

I have an inexplicable thirst for inspiration.

Or maybe its God in me.

I Can Hear Music

I forgot that I like music. I enjoyyy it!

Beck. mmmmm. mhm. 

"Crawling out from a landfilled life

Scrawling her name up on the ceiling

Throw a coin in a fountain of dust

White noise, her ears are ringing."

Sculpture, Decalogue

I met Liviu Mocan last weekend. He is the bearded, eccentric, extremely talented, and most prominent sculptor from Romania. I sat through the whole discussion about the piece of his that is coming to California and I enjoyed it very much. He was available to chat with people after the little discussion so I went and met him. I explained to him how inspiring he is to me and I was so nervous. Famous people make me nervous. He sort of stared me down for a minute, then he said "You make me happy." Needless to say, it was a good day.

Revolution

I think I need to do a happiness project.

And I Ask Myself

I find myself asking, over and over and over again, "Why am I not doing amazing things with my life?" I want to do so many things, but it is so hard for me to not get discouraged over a Geology test. There's some sort of dichotomy between "amazing things" and school and everyday life. I want to intern everywhere. I want to learn to be so many things, and I want to do it all in order to help people. However, I can't even get my homework done in a reasonable amount of time with a relatively good attitude. I wish I could drop everything I am now and switch into "amazing life" where I volunteer places, and feed people, and love people, and council people, and teach people, and love people. I wish I did not have to work so that I can have money so that I can have and do things and be prepared. I wish I did not have to work so that I can keep up with the system; I wish I did not have to work so I can prove my worth as a woman. But that is how I feel. I feel like I have to trade this for that and that for this. "Amazing things" and "amazing life" is running quickly away from me and it seems like I will never catch it. I know the kind of life I want comes with experience, but I want it now. I don't know what to do with myself in the mean time. 

Any ideas?

Amado amame como tu sabes amado amame totalmente.

Its a Wonder

What some red nail polish and a new bedspread can do to my outlook on life. 

I need to keep this in mind.

Or maybe I just need to learn to get over being depressed more quickly.

And to do my laundry more often.

And to read uplifting literature.

And to get my homework done ahead of time.

And to give good gifts.

And to listen to folk music. 

Some things.

American Lit

My American Lit class is basically the Breakfast Club.

We've got the cheerleader, the nerd, the goth girl, the trendieindies, the wild children, the music nerds...

:)

baugh

i get so discouraged.
all i want to do is live beautifully.
all i want to do is make people wonder.





but i'm in school so not right now.

Glory

So today in session we talked about John Donne. Dirty, dirty Donne. He was quite the desperate boy and the witty lover. He had all sorts of reasons to tell his ladies that they should sleep with him. 1. Sex is no big thang. Let's just do it. (The Flea) 2. Sex is like heaven. Let's do it. (To His Mistress Going to Bed) and 3. We are already united spiritually, so why not do it? (The Ecstasy)

There is particular danger with number 3 because Donne seems to align himself with the gnostic fallacy that the soul is better than the body; that the soul is more spiritual than the body. Plato also aligns himself with this fallacy. Augustine and Dante do not, however, oh thank heaven. The body is a good good good good good spiritual thing. It is not "the bad flesh." The body allows for expression. Christ also came in a body, and our bodies are eternal. The Bible does not back up our ideas that salvation is merely of the soul. Jesus always healed or fed before the gospel.
This makes me think lots of things. First of all, if Donne knew his body was a spiritual being, he probably would not have become spiritually united with so many girlies. Second of all, I just wrote 2 8 page papers on this. Yeah,I guess I'm thinking about the right things. Third, where does the line between spiritual and physical lie? Can you be spiritually involved with someone and not physically involved with them?

On that note, we also talked about boy/girl relationships. Can an unmarried couple who maintains physical and emotional boundaries go too far spiritually? I say yes! Spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy are all connected and if one gets too far ahead, say, too much one-on-one prayer time, then the others try to catch up. This is why it is completely fine to not want to have a couple's study or weekly prayer times. Seek God individually. Grow individually.

This discussion also makes me think of why I eat Trader Joe's food and why I love to cook and why I drink lots of water. Take care of your body, take care of your soul. They sort of take care of each other.

In conclusion, Donne was a heretic, my life makes more sense now, don't pray with your boyfriend, and shop at Trader Joe's.

P.S. part two: art and the physical realm is next!

I'm So Sorry

But my religious internet won't let me go on tumblr.

So all my raggedy, god-awful spewings go here for now.

I keep thinking

maybe inspiration will come at 5

maybe at 9

maybe at 10 30

it never does.

Writing is just sitting down and doing it.

Just like almost everything else in life, right?

Except for love.

And cooking.

I've got a terribly dry throat and about 12 other things I could find to complain about, but I won't.

I started writing in a little red notebook the other day. It has been the best thing. I need to learn how to document really bad things. I can do average, good, and very good. Mediocre, true, and abstract. I cannot do sweet, I cannot do bad.

Hm.

Grammy

She noticed the colours of the floor and liked the lampshade.

I notice the colours of the floor and I like the lampshade.

Too Much Middle Grey

work on:

being truly happy

work on:

letting go

work on:

being calm

work on:

having enthusiasm

work on:

loving fully

work on:

immersion

work on:

keeping track

work on:

pushing edges

work on:

being blunt

work on:

encouraging.

September, 1918

This afternoon was the colour of water falling through sunlight;

The trees glittered with the tumbling of leaves;

The sidewalks shone like alleys of dropped maple leaves,

And the houses ran along them laughing out of square, open windows.

Under a tree in the park,

Two little boys, lying flat on their faces,

Were carefully gathering red berries

To put in a pasteboard box.

Some day there will be no war,

Then I shall take out this afternoon

And turn it in my fingers,

And remark the sweet taste of it upon my palate,

And note the crisp variety of its flights of leaves.

To-day I can only gather it

And put it into my lunch-box,

For I have time for nothing

But the endeavour to balance myself

Upon a broken world.

Amy Lowell, feminist extraordinaire.

Lovely

I'm writing a paper called The Art of Speaking Plainly and I am just tickled by it.

Go read Henry James and Theodore Dreiser.

There's Something About

I very much like Wallace Stevens. I also very much like being slightly sunburnt.

I forget how to balance motivation and discipline. Sometimes I have both and that's awesome, but sometimes I only have discipline and its TERRIBLE.

I feel like I'm dragging myself through the mud.

And my room is very messy.

So I should do my homework, right? I should not spend an hour at Trader Joe's and a half of an hour cleaning the fridge and putting things away and another hour making muffins and a half of an hour doing dishes after that, right?

Baugh.

Life gets me sometimes.

On Life

Some things only work if you are actually pretty.

Some things only work if you actually speak well.

Some things only work if you really speak your mind.

Some things only work if you are fifteen.

Some things will never work for me.

By Moonlight

You know your day is going nowhere fast when...

• the morning is already 75 degrees at 10 o'clock (go find your bathing suit!)
• you're reading two of your favourite books before you even get out of bed
• there are fresh shrooms in your fridge just waiting to be sauteed
• all you want for breakfast is chocolate sorbet and lemonade
• the thought of exercising for an hour sounds enjoyable
• your hair is sticking straight out of your head in an effort to convince you not to leave the house
• love poem sounds more like a way of life or a food group than a frilly confection
• you feel lucky to simply be living and want to marinate in that feeling for a while
• that book on relationships you've wanted to write finally has a theme
• the most exciting reason to leave the house that you've found so far is to go get paint to make that cubist painting for American Literature
• an adventure in salad dressing sounds a bit like summer and a bit like a romance novel

I hope someone else is having a day like this because I can almost taste heaven.

Who

Who is this new woman!?

I walked/ellipticalled/cycled 2 miles last night. and two nights before that.

I'm reading a self-help book.

I scraped a ceiling for the majority of today.

I went to the spa yesterday.

I am driving to a far and distant land (aka 90210!) tomorrow.

There is beauty, there is wholeness.

"The relationship's rubble"

she said.

"The building has collapsed"

she said.

A bit

A bit of literature. Books I'm currently working with, reading, or books I plan on reading over my fast approaching spring break. (spring!)

The Art of Looking Sideways

Art and various inspiring thoughts geared toward a creative audience.

Collected Poems of T.S. Eliot

I'm writing a paper for my literature class and using this work for a reference.

John Donne: The Complete English Poems

John Donne is a piece of work! His poetry is impeccable, though.

Norton Anthology of American Literature 1914-1945

I enjoy literature from this period the most.

Homemade Life

This woman has a great blog and a restaurant and likes polaroids. Right up my alley.

The Happiness Project

Just look at the title.

Art and Feminism

Currently two of my favourite things.

Hamlet

Complex and thought-provoking and traditional English lit. How nice.

The Brothers Karamozov

I am of the Tolstoy camp. I do not enjoy this book.

Hopefully, I will be able to say I've finished these sometime soon.

I'll be coming for your love, okay.

There have been a few really gorgeous days in a row here.

Its so good for my soul. I love the weather. If i talk about the weather with you it does not mean I'm making small talk. It means I want you to know how much I like the weather.

Spring might be my favourite time of year. It makes me feel like new love and sundresses. The seashore and grass. Kids and books. All of the best things that are not wintry things.

I'm not sure I want to grow up to be a writer any more.

Edward Weston

Oh, Also

Reflections or On Knowing Thyself

Basically, I don't want to be pretentious. I make a point to like what I like and dislike what I dislike and be real about it.

I like to write because I'm sort of good at it. I like the way words flow out like endless rain into a paper cup and how I can make you laugh or draw you in to the drama with a mere sentence.

I like to take photographs because I like to freeze and manipulate beauty and make it my own. I also just like to have something out of the ordinary in my life, even if I'm not "the bestest". (name that tune!)

I like to read books because they make me smarter than you. Plain and simple. I like finding the relationships between things that matter and sometimes things that don't matter. Its beautiful.

I like to cook because I am an epicurean glutton.

I like cigars because I like winkles.

I want to have lived a full life, but I also want to have lived a balanced life.

I want people to see what I've done and be provoked to wonder.

I want people to see what I've done and be provoked to wander.

And somehow it will all come out in the wash.

Natalie

i woke up with that one rocket summer song in my brain

the one about beautiful dayz

jus sayin'

Taylor

cuuz yoouuuuuuuuu dont know

how much i

i neeed you pleeeeeaaaeeeeese dont goaoooooo'

yur soaoooo wunderful

this i swaywer.

swayer*

this i knowowowooooo

To The Mat!

I'm gonna call this right now.

I idolize my homework.

How unhealthy and L A M E is that?

It overwhelms me and gives me power so I let it control me by procrastinating myself out of all kinds of goodness.

Gonna go crank out some papers and some notes so maybe the monster will be a little more defeated today.

Missed

OKAY SO I MISSED A DAY.

So what?

I went out to breakfast this morning. That's my favourite thing ever to do. AND I finished a book today. AND I worked in the darkroom for 6 hours yesterday. Yeah, yeah. I enjoy life a lot.

Today is pretty. I am going to exercise and drink tea.

Things that Beat All (in terms of making life more wonderful):

-profs who like my work

-slow time that's still productive

-not doing homework when I should and still being somewhat ahead

-staying up a little too late and still getting enough sleep and waking up feeling like a daisy!

-comedies

-free money

P.S. Don't try so hard. Relax.

Plans

and transatlanticism.

I've decided to start taking Fridays off and working out every night.

I'm not renewing my disneyland pass.

Who am I?

I'm going to be one productive, happy girl.

My new favourite thing to do at disneyland is to observe couples. It is so interesting to see different sorts of people from all over interact their loved ones. There are the 12 year olds who hold hands and look opposite ways. There are the moms and dads who don't get along, but have 2 or 3 little ones for whom they're keeping it together. There are the moms and dads who love each other so much they forget their kids. There are the college aged couples that look bored out of their minds with each other and with life. There are the twenty-something rockabilly wanna-be's who are as in love with their image, as they are with their significant other. There are the late twenty-somethings who can't keep their hands to themselves.

And then there are the 2 normal couples I see.

Love, love. What is love?

Spoon River

Degenerate sons and daughters,

Life is too strong for you--

It takes life to love Life.

Edgar Lee Masters

Daily Blogging 1.2

I'm sitting here drinking tea, reading blogs, procrastinating, going through old music, and wishing I were young again, dreaming up things to write.

I wish I were young again.

But those times are gone. Gone, gone, gone.

So instead I'll write something like one hundred pages this semester, holed up in my room or the library with the greatest works of all time. I'll drink my tea and come out for meals and exercise and sunshine and socialization. I'll make my art, find my inspiration, and forget why I'm here. I'll suddenly remember and then I won't have it any other way.

Tea, books, and the world at my fingertips.

Everything will be alright.

Daily Blogging

In everything with prayer and supplication...

I want to blog everyday!

I think it would be very good, very good for me.

No one cares to read about my life, but that is alright.

Don't feel obligated.

Its probably going to be mostly complaining, documenting, wondering.

The wondering part will be the good part.

I'm finishing up selections from Chaucer today. He wrote dirrrrty things! I have no idea how he got around the classy police of the thirteen hundreds. The Tales are entertaining, though. He had a knack for comedy and getting a point across and character development. Huh.

In other news, I've seriously been wondering what the HECK I was thinking when I signed up for eighteen units this semester (also, who thought to take the extra 't' out of eighteen? I do not like it without that 't'). I finally feel like I can write and crochet and cook and instead I have to cram for a science test. Not the life I want.

But I suppose it is the life I get. What with having a brain and things to say that may or may not need to be heard.

Back to the grind.

Really...

I just want to be legit.

Amen.

Now and Always

I'm pretty sure I'm a feminist.

Oh well.

With Love,

Natalie

Punktuated

Maybe the three exclamation points after the "i'm really excited for you to meet his family" was too much. Maybe I shouldn't have asked how much he drinks. Maybe I shouldn't feel even somewhat personally responsible for my ex best friend's well-being. Maybe I should become a motivational speaker so I can save people like her from herself.

That would be a definite "no" to motivational speaking and an emphatic "yes" to I feel things rather deeply.

I'll

Never

Save

Anyone.

The international students on the roof would like you to know that they speak the language of their native countries rather well (and rather loudly).

God does not demand that we give up our personal dignity, that we throw in our lot with random people, that we lose ourselves and turn from all that is not him. God needs nothing, asks nothing, and demands nothing, like the stars. It is a life with God which demands these things.

Experience has taught the race that if knowledge of God is the end, then these habits of life are not the means but the condition in which the means operates. You do not have to do these things; not at all. God does not, I regret to report, give a hoot. You do not have to do these things— unless you want to know God. They work on you, not on him.

You do not have to sit outside in the dark. If, however, you want to look at the stars, you will find that darkness is necessary. But the stars neither require nor demand it.

-Annie Dillard

Stalker

Some creeper is stalking my other blog. I'll be here from now on, I suppose.

SOMEBODY JUST BE REAL WIT ME.

That is all.

Thank you for your time.

I'll be here all week

and month

and year

and probably decade.

I'll be here spouting cliches and

rereading feminist literature

until the

day

I

die.

Amen, goodnight. Farewell.

Confessions

"Late have I loved you, beauty so and and so new; late have I loved you. And see, you were within and I was in the external world and sought you there, and in my unlovely stare u plunged into those lovely created things which you want. You were with me, and I was not with you. The lovely things kept me far from you, though if they did not have their existence in you, their had no existence at all. You called and cried and cried out loud and shattered my deafness. You were radiant and resplendent, you put flight to you blindness. You were fragrant, and I drew in my breath and now pant after you. I tasted you, and I feel but hunger and thirst for you. You touched me, and I am set on fire to attain the peace which is yours."

-Augustine

I Have A Problem

I have two blogs.

I post things on both of them.

I like them both equally.

This one is more formal;

the other one is a collection of things

I love.

I don't know what to do.

I want this:

"If it's the beaches

If it's the beaches' sands you want
Then you will have them
If it's the mountains' bending rivers
Then you will have them
If it's the wish to run away
Then I will grant it
Take whatever what you think of
While I go gas up the truck
Pack the old love letters up

We will read them when we forget why we left here"

-- The Avett Brothers

Affairs

"Personal Essay" what does that mean? Apparently it is the thing that I love.

In other news, Anna Karenina is slowly breaking my heart.. In the best possible sense. I'm enjoying it. I feel very self-conscious and pretentious writing this blog, but I know there's something good in learning to write coherent snippets that will be read by others.. something good. Lately, I've been thinking about, well, a lot of things, mostly growing-up sorts of things. I think I'm finally getting a feel for where I fit in the bigger picture (note that I say 'bigger' and not 'big'; they're two very different things to me), and that's giving me some space to start to learn. I've recently recalled the "sense of presence and spaciousness and peace" Anne Lamott refers to in one of her works (I don't recall which one, but the article's on Salon.com). I'm going to be frank and honest here, because really, what else can I be, but frank and honest if I want to be a frank and honest person? (haha... this sentence created a lovely visual for me of 1980's Frank in a brown suit and big glasses with a receding hairline kindly discussing something with classy gray-haired Honest in a diner somewhere over eggs and bacon and maybe some pie) Frankly and honestly, I feel very much like those in my life often times do not allow me to have this spaciousness. Few souls understand the phenomenon that is emptiness filled by something greater than our own ideas. This spaciousness is a sister to peace; without space true peace does not exist. I'm keeping the spaciousness in my life because I know that in the space lies beauty and goodness unimaginable.